This is because I know who I am

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart; I am, I am, I am." - Sylvia Path

Tara Rae Johnson. On social media I’m @yeahtaraj and I call myself Tara The Creator when I think I'm funny. A boy I loved would call me just T. But it’s Tara Rae Johnson. My parents gave me that name. I can’t really change it. I mean legally, sure. But it will always be my name.

I don’t really know why it’s my name. But it is. I don’t really think the letters T, A, and R, strung together to make the audible sound of “Terra”, defines what I like or what kind of music I listen to or jackets I wear when it’s cold or if I’m a morning person or a night person. I'm just me. Because I’ve met other Tara’s and we’re not the same. I met one tonight, actually, and she likes Nick Jonas and plays volleyball.

See? Not the same.

This is because I know who I am.

I know that I absolutely love Waffle Crisp and I hate studying American history because I think our Civil War was just stupid. I know that I’m reading The Catcher and The Rye right now. I haven’t read Pride and Prejudice but I thought the movie was great. I met a boy tonight that was really cute and we talked about The Office but I know we could never talk about The Catcher and The Rye.

I’m weak for tacos but will stand up for my best friend.

If I could be any animal I’d choose to be a teradactal.

I know who I am and I know I don’t like hanging out with the girls in my building. I know that I love The Strokes and The Shins – two excellent bands you should definitely check out. I wish I had been older when 9/11 went down. Because I recently became intrigued by the people who died in the tragedy and those closely related to the unlucky ones and all of the adults watching the TV screens, not knowing if this was an accident or an attack and how my mother told me she held me much closer when figuring it was the latter.

I have a terrible sleeping schedule. I’m supposed to have read The Iliad and The Odyssey by class on Tuesday.

Just lately, I know a lot of things about myself.

I know that I love hanging out with the people with the rolled up pants and graphic design majors because sometimes, my fellow English majors are weird.  

I know I love the mornings when none of you guys are awake yet. The sky is really quiet and the earth is breathing plant dioxide.

I know I love my mom and dad more than anything in the world. I think about them all the time and how they would do anything for me. And even if I do something really stupid and when I can’t afford last month’s rent – they still love me and help me out. Not everyone will. Maybe my best friend would, but really that only goes so far.

I know I am more sure about God existing than I am about my parents loving me. I believe he is good and he believes I am good and he believes everyone is good and I don’t know anything more good than someone who thinks like that. Try and find me something more good than him.

College has turned into a lot more wheat thins and cream cheese than I thought and I don’t even mind it most nights. I know boys are cuter when they are shy – like the guy I talked about The Office with. Even if he hasn’t read The Catcher and The Rye.

I know who I am and I know what I stand for and at this point I know what I want to do and “Promise” by Ben Howard is playing from my laptop on the other side of the room while I am writing this in a notebook that will later be transferred electronically into my computer by pushing keys that tell the computer a ton of different combinations of 00101101001010 that will make these words appear on the screen and can you believe we’re living in a time like this? We’ve come a long way, us humans.

Lastly, I read The Fault In Our Stars again and really can you blame me. So I spent a lot of time thinking about oblivion and how one day everything I've done won't matter and about the progression of being forgotten. Like, first my kids will (hopefully) remember my name once I die, and then their kids will remember me as their grandmother. But most people start forgetting their great grandmother's name, because like, I don't even know my great grandmother's name. And then I'll just be a name people come across when indexing family history. Tara Rae Johnson.

So sometimes I don’t want anyone to forget me and the jokes I said and the poems I performed and the great things Tara Rae Johnson has lived for because I walk around this huge campus and nobody knows my name or how bomb I am at lip synching Whitney Houston or that I can make your skin go cold with a pen and a napkin.

And then I realized what thinking about oblivion should really make me do.

Drop the pretenses. Quit worrying about the things you didn't understand and remember the things you do - the things you felt and the things that matter to you because one day, when you die, when everything ends and your entire being is erased, the only thing that will matter is what you want to matter. And if it matters to you then you win. Cause when you die, you won't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself.

It feels good to write about me and what I know and who I am.